Pay backs!

Sometimes in life we do things that we are not proud of- in fact, we look back on them and we are ashamed of our behavior. We live and we learn. Well I've lived a while and today I saw my younger self through the eyes of an older and hopefully a wiser me. I must say that I was rather spooky to live with when I was younger.
I had an experience today that really scared the bejebbers out of me.
I have worked every day since Friday. On Saturday I worked the 8AM -4PM shift. During that time one of the ladies, that I care for became ill.
Some of the other staff have been sick with the H1N1 and have been out of work for over a week and so we have had subs coming in to take their place. Since the sub wasn't familiar with the ladies and all of their quirks and because the one lady might need to go to the doctor I called and spoke with my supervisors about just staying a littel longer and taking her to the doctor. She agreed and so I took the lady to the doctor. They did a urinalysis on her and drew blood and didn't find much wrong with her that would account for the pain and so the doctor ordered a CT scan. We spent 8 hours in the ER having numerous tests run and then waiting for the results to come back. She was MISERABLE. The doctor gave her morphine for pain and then tagrotol on top of it. By the time we got home she was exhausted and so was I. I gave her her meds and did the book work and I was exhausted. I got to bed at 2:10 A.M.and I had to be back at work this morning at 8 AM. The lady slept real good until 11this morning and then she woke up and came out. She felt pretty good until she had a small bite to eat and then she was back to the whole yuked out feeling again. She told me she wasn't feeling good and then she told me she felt hot and then cold and then she was scared that she was going to get sick and she started pacing. Her behaviors escalated and she asked if she could sit by me and I told her she could. She started to grit her teeth and clench her fists and proceeded to move her closed fists up and down. The next thing she did was grabbed my hair and proceeded to yank it as hard as she could. She told me that she was going to pull my hair out of my head and that she was going to kill me.
She was in a full blown rage and I saw a side of her that I had never seen before. IT WAS SCARY! It totally caught me off guard. At that moment I had the "cutter" crying, the "stripper" in a panic and this lady going totally wigger on me. I managed to free myself from her grasp and got her to sit down. I sent the "cutter" down stairs to her room and i had to take the stripper to the bathroom to clean her up.
I immediately called the supervisor and told her that I needed help NOW as I was all alone with the three ladies and all the crazy behaviors. While I was in the bathroom cleaning up the stripper- she messed herself- the "attacker" was outside the bathroom door yelling and screaming at me. I was very grateful when I heard a calm knock on the door asking me if I was okay. I'm not sure I am okay yet! I am truely frightened by this lady and not sure if I will ever be able to turn my back on her again. The supervisor stayed with me for a while but then the "stripper" wanted to go get an ice cream cone and so the supervisor made me take the "attacker" with. When we got to the DQ the attackers behaviors started to escalate again. She was starting her pacing and telling me that her brain was doing funny things to her again. I think I could have ran faster than the car at that moment.
I got them back home and told the attacker to get out. I told the supervisor that she was starting the behaviors again and she got her out of the house. I was never so relieved as when she told me that she was going to keep her with her and take her to her house for a while.
So why am I telling you all of this?
It is because I saw what I must have looked like many years ago when I was an overwhelmed mom trying to wear way too many hats and trying to shoulder way too many burdens without much support. I apologize to all of my children for being so scary at times. I am amazed that you were not traumatized for the rest of your lives.
We live and we learn and I hope that by sharing this with you that if you start feeling , overwhelmed, upset or angry that before you say or do anything you will go and take a good look in the mirror and ask yourselves one simple question- Am I glowing with the light of Christ?
I wish that I would have understood the Gospel better back then and I also wish that at that time I would have listened closer to what the shrink and Sister Hill told me but I put up barriers because I didn't like what they were telling me. I listened to President Smith though and in the end the shrink just told me that I was an amazing woman.
But I really do apologize for all the scary faces and behaviors!
I love you all so very much!