It is Christmas eve day. I do not feel like celebrating. I am having panic attacks. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. I find myself trying to deny everything. The hospital calls me and has dropped another bombshell in my lap. The Dr has ordered a second biopsy as well. He is going to remove one of my lymph nodes but has also ordered a bone marrow biopsy. Another panic attack, feelings of distraught, fear, the what if's are starting to play with my mind. More tears. I have Beatrice and a friend of mine over for dinner. My friend has faced cancer- she reassures me. She understands.
I take them home after dinner and go over to visit with my Dad at the nursing home. I have chosen not to tell him about my problems- he may learn of them soon enough. I work in the morning and as we are having a winter snow storm I am staying in town tonight with my sister. My niece is visiting with her also and around 10:30 she receives a phone call from her boy friend. His father had a massive heart attack and although he gave him CPR he has died. Just one year after her boyfriends brother had committed suicide. Mary is hurting bad. I try to comfort her. More thoughts creep into my mind- deaths come in three's. More panic, more anxiety, more stress. I can not talk about it. I have to try to forget it and just take one day at a time.
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